Forever
by hankss
Summary: Cress Darnel has spent most of her life in love with her best friend, Carswell Thorne. So when Thorne gets engaged, and his betrothed asks Cress to be a bridesmaid at their wedding, she swallows her pride and says yes. She doesn't know, of course, that pretending not to be in love with someone is so much harder, when faced with the prospect of forever.
1. Prologue

"Don't marry her."

The words slip out of my mouth before I've even properly processed them.

His eyes widen then, as big as saucers. He freezes and quirks a brow, "What?"

"Don't marry her." My voice is quiet - weak and gentle, and I hate myself for it but I _can't help it_. I take a deep breath and try again, "Please. Don't marry her."

He's staring at me. He's wearing that _stupid_ suit - the one he's meant to be wearing on their _wedding day_ \- and he steps towards me, carefully. He pauses, and maybe he thinks I'm going to say something else but when I don't he clears his throat.

"Uh… What? Why not?"

The question hits me right in the centre of the chest, and I feel absolutely _stupid_ but I know I have to tell him. I have to tell him, or else I might hate myself for the rest of my life.

"If you marry her, that means it's finally over."

His eyebrows arch even higher into his forehead. He looks like he wants to reach out to me, but he doesn't.

"What's finally over?"

"Me." I gesture between the two of us, "Everything. _Us_."

"We'll still be friends, Cress." His eyes are sympathetic, "Just because I'm marrying her doesn't mean I'll forget about you."

"That's not what I'm talking about." I cry, and finally, _finally_ I give way to the tears that have been threatening to burst for so long, "I'm not _talking_ about being your friend, Thorne." He's staring at me strangely, like he doesn't really understand.

"What are you talking about, then?"

"I _love_ you. And not as a friend, or a sister or anything like _that_. I am completely head over heels, in love with you." I pause, "And I can't imagine myself spending the rest of my life with anybody else."

There is a beat of silence. I watch as he processes what I've just told him.

The _truth_.

After years, and years of secretly pining after him, I've finally told him the truth.

He frowns, " _What_?"

I swallow thickly, because it feels like I have no liquid left in my mouth.

"I love you."

The words stick uncomfortably between us, and I watch as Thorne shuffles from one foot to the other. He sighs.

"Cress - "

I can tell what is about to come.

The _crippling_ rejection. I wince because I don't want to hear it.

"Forget it." I try to laugh but I'm already crying, "Honestly it isn't a big deal."

Thorne's eyes are wide, "Not a big deal? I can't just _forget_ about this."

"Yep. Yes you can. You can and you will."

"Cress. This is - I don't - "

I don't want to hear anymore.

"Don't _say_ anything. I don't want your pity," The words are bitter, but at this point I could not care less, "Honestly. Just. Just go."

I turn away from him and I _wish_ he would grab me back. But he doesn't.

And I know why.

He loves _her_ not me. And he's going to marry her not _me_.

I am _hopeless_.


	2. ONE

**Three Months Earlier**

Unreciprocated love, is not fun.

Trust me.

I've been through fifteen years of it, and sometimes I think _really_ what's the point?

Except the object of my affections - my best friend Thorne - is an incredible human being and _try as I might_ to just get the bloody hell over it, I can't.

"Y'know, maybe if you told him how you felt, things would be different." My roommate, Cinder, is rolling her eyes, "I know you say you don't want to ruin the friendship Cress, but come on. We both know you're just too scared he might reject you."

I glare at her from over the rim of my wine glass and sigh. She's right, of course.

It isn't that I'm scared Thorne not returning my feelings means our friendship will be ruined. It's that I'm pretty _certain_ he doesn't return my feelings, and I'm scared to death of telling him the truth.

I don't want to _hear_ that he doesn't feel the same way.

It's hard enough knowing it.

"Plus him and that girl, - Kelsey was it?"

"Chelsea," I correct, taking another swig of my wine, "Her name is Chelsea."

"Right well him and _Chelsea_ , seem to be getting pretty serious."

"They won't last." I say it with more confidence than I feel.

"Are you sure about that?"

I pause, because in all honesty, I am _not_ sure about anything. Least of all, if Chelsea and Thorne will _last_. The thought makes my chest tight because Thorne is meant to be with _me_ and I should just tell him the truth but I _can't_. And I'm always going to be stuck this way - wishing things were different between us, and powerless to do anything about it.

"Yes." I know I'm lying - to myself and to Cinder - but it doesn't matter because it's easier than facing the truth.

And I'm about to add on to that point when my phone starts ringing. I pick it up off the coffee table and read the name flashing across the screen - _Thorne_ \- before answering the call and putting the phone up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Cress?" His voice is loud, and there's music in the background, "Cress, can you hear me?"

"Barely." Cinder is staring at me intently, and I flinch away from her look.

"Wait - shit, let me go outside."

He sounds a little drunk and I smile to myself because _this_ could be my favourite Thorne. The Thorne that opens up just that little bit more after a few beers, that smiles _so_ warmly, it's like he is my own personal heater.

"Can you hear me now?"

It sounds like he's stepped outside.

"Yes. I can hear you."

"Good," He sighs heavily, "I need to tell you something, Cress."

My chest feels weird all of a sudden and I don't know if that's good news or bad news, "Alright. What is it?"

There's a slight pause and then, "I proposed to Chelsea."

I freeze. My heart feels like it has literally _stopped_ and a sob catches itself in my throat. I cough loudly.

"What?" The word is quiet. I feel like I've been hit by a freight train.

"Tonight. We went out to her favourite Cuban bar - and I'd seen this ring earlier on in the day on my way home from work and I just thought _screw it_. She's the only girl that I've ever really been serious about and she's _beautiful_. And I want to marry her." He is slurring a little bit, but there's also genuine happiness behind his words and I _hate_ myself for resenting that.

"Oh."

Cinder is watching me carefully, her expression tight. I avoid her eye contact and instead choose a spot on the cream wall behind her, to focus on.

"Right." I clear my throat, "Wow Thorne. That's great news."

He laughs a little wondrously, and I kick myself all _over_ for not being the girl who makes him laugh that way.

"It's amazing. It's _so_ amazing, Cress. I'm so _happy_."

I want to tell him to shut up. I want to tell him to _stop it_. That this is _silly and stupid_ and that I'm the girl he's destined to spend the rest of his life with.

I want to tell him that he's the one. I want to tell him I love him.

I want to _tell him_.

But instead, I say, "I'm happy for you too, Thorne."

"We'll talk more tomorrow, Cress. But I had to tell you - I can't _believe it_." He laughs again, "I've got a fiancee."

The tightness in my chest has been replaced by a cold grip.

"Right. Speak tomorrow, Thorne. Enjoy the rest of your night."

"Bye." He takes a deep breath, "Love you Cress."

The words are like spikes through my chest. I hang up the phone, and I don't realise I'm crying until Cindee has shifted closer to me on the sofa and pulled me into her lap.

"I'm so sorry, Cress."

Yeah. Me _too_.

...

I work with Thorne's fiancee, Chelsea.

We work at a real estate agency. And in a strange twist of fate, I'm actually the reason Thorne and Chelsea started dating in the first place.

When we arrive at work on Monday morning, I've tried my very hardest to prepare myself emotionally, for what's about to happen. Chelsea's desk is the one opposite to mine, so as soon as I arrive at my desk, she's waiting for me.

She springs up from her chair, coming to give me the longest most enthusiastic hug I have ever shared with possibly _anyone_.

"Oh my _God_ ," Her voice is so husky and beautiful and I feel like I might start crying again, "Can you believe it? I'm getting married!"

I hug her back tightly, fighting back tears, "Congratulations Chels! I'm so happy for you and Thorne."

She pulls away from me, and she has the biggest smile on her pretty face.

"Thank you, Creas. Without you _none_ of this would have happened," Her blue eyes are so serious and kind and I feel so _guilty_ , "I mean you were my first friend when I moved here - and you were the one that introduced me and Thorne. So we have _you_ to thank for all of it."

I smile back at her, and I worry that my heart might fall out of of my body.

"Don't thank me," I tug some hair out of my face, "Honestly it was nothing."

"It _wasn't_ nothing," She grabs one of my hands and squeezes it affectionately, "To say thank you, I would like to ask you… If you want to be one of my bridesmaids."

I _know_ that kind of question is supposed to make me happy and excited, but instead all I feel is a ball of dread and guilt in the pit of my stomach. I clear my throat and shake my head.

"Honestly Chelsea you don't have to do that…"

"I know I don't _have_ to do it, silly. I want to do it." She nods furiously and pats my cheek, "You're Thorne's best friend, Cress. And I know you won't be able to be his best man, but we really want you in the wedding. Both of us do."

I clench the hand she's not holding into a tight ball, and then release.

"Alright, Chels. Anything for you and Thorne."

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" She hugs me again, pulling me so tightly against her that I almost start seeing white dots. But I don't tell her because this is _her_ moment, "We are going to have _so much fun_ organising the wedding."

She releases me, and finally goes back to sit at her own desk.

"Carswell wants a carnival theme," She muses as she sits down and starts typing away on her keyboard, eyes glued to the computer screen in front of her, "I want something more classic."

I nod, even though she's not looking at me, "Carnival sounds _exactly_ like Throne." Again, I want to cry.

"Chelsea!" That's Fiona, another one of the women we work with. I assume she's read the facebook post Chelsea wrote about their engagement, and she's come to celebrate, "I heard about you and Carswell! Congratulations!"

The two of them share a squeal and a long hug, and when Fiona starts gushing over the _beautiful_ ring Thorne bought her, I decide I need to get away. It's only a matter of time before I actually _start_ to cry.

And so I stand up quickly and make my way towards the toilet.

When I'm sat in one of the sterile cubicles, and I've locked myself inside, I _finally_ let myself cry. I try and keep as quiet as I can, but it's hard because my chest feels like it's about to explode, and I just want everything to go back to the way it was _before_ Chelsea was in the picture.

I cry because it's _not fair_.

It's not fair that even though I've been in love with Thorne for fifteen years, Chelsea just sweeps in and steals him away from me with one breathtaking smile.

It's not fair because Chelsea is a great person and she's going to be such a good wife to Thorne and maybe _that's_ what hurts the most out of everything else.

It's not fair because I'm going to spend the rest of my life, watching the two of them fall deeper and deeper in love, and I won't be able to do a single bloody thing about it.

And I feel guilty, and horrible and _awful_ because what kind of a person wishes their best friend's fiancee would leave them?

It isn't until my phone starts ringing that I realise I've been in the bathroom longer than I had intended. When I answer the call, a concerned Chelsea greets me.

"Are you okay, Cress?"

I sigh heavily and wipe at the tears staining my cheeks, "I uh - I had a bit of a stomach ache. I think I'm going to have to go home."

"Oh _no_ ," Chelsea sounds _genuinely_ upset for me, "I'm so sorry, Cress. Don't worry about telling Mr. Greene. I'll let him know you're not feeling well."

I cough back tears and nod to myself, "Right. Okay. Thanks Chels - you're the best."

When we hang up I feel even _worse_.

I am a terrible person.

...

When there's a knock at my flat door, I know exactly who it is before even opening it. Thorne. He sent me a text earlier today after I'd left work, asking if I was okay. I know that text was courtesy of Chelsea, so I haven't even had the decency to message him back.

I don't _want_ to talk to him. But I also can't just ignore him.

I take a deep breath and open the front door. He's standing there with the sweetest smile, and a thermal flask.

"I bring Miso soup. Your favourite."

My chest tightens, because _of course_ he would do something like that for me. I open the door further and allow him in. He lets himself into the kitchen and starts to prepare me a bowl, asking if my stomach is up for it.

I settle down on the sofa and nod, throwing a blanket over my legs, "Yeah. I'm actually pretty hungry."

"That's a good sign." He sets down a glass of orange juice and the soup, on my coffee table, and takes a seat beside me on the sofa, "Sorry you felt shitty today, Cress."

"That's alright." I look away from him, and flush brightly. He doesn't even know why I _actually_ felt shitty, and if he did, he would probably feel shitty as well, "Have you told your family about the engagement yet?"

Thorne's eyes flash and that's dangerous for my heart, "I've told Kai."

"And what did your older, and still _very single_ brother have to say about it?"

"He was excited for me," Thorne shrugs, "He likes Chelsea."

Kai is the only person apart from Cinder that knows about my feelings for Thorne. I'd grown up with the two of them - there was no way for Kai _not_ to know.

I nod, "Is he going to be your best man?"

"Well I can't exactly ask anyone else, can I?"

I shake my head, and Thorne chuckles, "I have no idea what I'm in for giving him that responsibility. But hey, it has to be done."

I finally swallow some of the soup, and even though its warm, I still feel cold. That is, until Thorne's big hand lands on my knee. He squeezes it affectionately.

"I want you to know, Cress, that even though I'm getting married, you will always be my best friend." His smile is so genuine, it stops my heart.

I roll my eyes because sarcasm is my only defense against Thorne and sigh, "Well if I was your _actual_ best friend, you would ask me to be your best man."

He chuckles at that, "You know Kai would kill me."

"I could take him."

"He fights _very_ dirty, Cress."

"So do I," The words come out of my mouth before I've even realised what I'm saying.

"He's my _brother_."

I pull a face, "Excuses, excuses."

"Come on Cress, you know I love you." He says it like it's no big deal - like it's something I should know. And I _do_ know.

But I also know that I am so hopelessly in _love_ with him, that those words mean so, so, _so_ much more to me, than they do to him. But I blink at him, and I look into my Miso soup, and I force a smile.

"I know that Thorne. I love you too."

So. _So_ much.

...

 **A/N. Hope you guys enjoyed the first proper chapter of this story :) the chapter before was more of a prologue which will be revisited at a later date. Sorry it took me so long to update will not happen again I'll keep updates weekly! Comment if you enjoyed this xxx**


	3. TWO

_Stay strong Cress. You've got this._

The text from Cinder is of course meant to be a vote of confidence. I stare at the phone clutched so tightly in my hands and sigh heavily.

I'm sat at a trendy restaurant swirling my straw around an untouched gin and tonic. I don't even like gin but I feel like anything else might make me throw up.

Today is the day I meet the rest of Chelsea's bridal party. I'm more nervous than I've ever been in my entire life and I know that Cinder is worried about me.

 _I'll try my best. Prayers welcome._

I text her back through shaking fingers and try to calm myself down. A long gulp from my drink does nothing but cause my nose to wrinkle in disgust and suddenly I feel even more disheartened.

Why did I think this would ever be okay?

I should have said no to Chelsea. I should have told Thorne how I really felt.

I shouldn't have been such a _damn_ coward.

Instead now I find myself biting back tears and kicking down knots at the bottom of my stomach because _damn it_ this is the last place on Earth I want to be.

The front door to the restaurant opens and I swing my head back, watching as Chelsea enters accompanied by three other women I've never met.

She spots me from across the room and I wave gingerly my stomach tightening as she approaches the round table I'm sat at.

"Cress! I'm so sorry we are late. Finding parking in Manhattan is such a nightmare." She comes round to give me a hug and I'm immediately taken aback by the warmth of her embrace.

She _really_ _does_ like me.

I look behind her halo of hair at the three other women stood watching our exchange and bite my lip as a sudden wave of insecurity washes over me.

Of course they're all as dazzlingly beautiful as each other.

"Cress I'd like to introduce you to the rest of my bridal party," The smile on Chelsea's face is beautific, "This is Winter my best friend from high school," She points at the most stunning of the three girls who's skin is practically glowing, "Iko my roommate in college," Iko smiles at me warmly and I notice how long her hair is (almost as long as my own), "And this is my maid of honor. My sister Scarlet."

I wave at all three of them and am shocked to see how closely Chelsea resembles her sister Scarlet.

"So lovely to meet you," Iko sits down beside me and stretches her hand out for me to shake, "Chelsea has told us all about you."

"Yeah. You're Thorne's best friend, right?" Winter asks innocently.

Something wraps itself around my throat and I have to cough it away, "Yes I am."

"How long have you put up with his bullshit?" Scarlet snorts a laugh and Chelsea elbows her gently.

"Scar! You know Thorne is an absolute gentleman."

"When he wants to be," She mutters smiling sarcastically at her sister.

" _Anyway_ let's sit down and order some lunch whilst I tell you guys my exciting news."

"Let's hope it's worth it Chels. I haven't flown all the way from Philadelphia for you to tell me you've cancelled the wedding." Iko jokes, picking up a menu and scanning the list carefully.

"Quite the opposite actually." Chelsea's smile widens and she leans forward slightly, "We've set a date."

I feel my chest tighten like someone has sulked all the air out of me and I swallow thickly.

My hands are shaking and I stick them under the table, grabbing my dress and twisting the fabric between my fingers.

"A _date_?" Scarlet gives her sister a look, "Chels you've been engaged for less than a week."

"I know, I know. But Thorne and I have been dating for two years now and he goes away so often on business that we thought _what the hell_ the sooner the better."

"Alright so when is it?" Winter is leaning in too, gripping the tablecloth tightly.

"September 21st."

My heart drops to the bottom of my feet, "That's a month today." I feel like I'm going to be sick.

"Exactly! So I need you girls to be on your best form," Chelsea's eyes are so wide and bright, "We have a wedding to plan!"

Iko and Winter squeal in excitement but Scarlet eyes her sister up suspiciously.

"Are you sure this is a good idea Chels?"

I've never seen Chelsea angry before but she looks pretty close to it when she turns to Scarlet and rolls her eyes, " Can't you just be happy for me Scar?"

Scarlet throws her hands up in defeat and nods, "I'm just trying to make sure you know what you're doing."

Chelsea's eyes watch her sister sharply and I sense a fog of tension settle over the table. I'm holding my breath and the back of my neck is sweating like nothing else, and I wonder if I'm going to pass out.

There's a beat of silence before Iko clears her throat and says something about ordering food.

I finally exhale then feeling the colour return to my cheeks.

Chelsea looks away from her sister and the warmth is back in her smile, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes.

Scarlet is looking away too, but I'm surprised to see her eyes are locked onto _me._ I smile at her gingerly and take my hands out from underneath the table, picking up my drink and shakily taking a sip.

Scarlet doesn't smile back and instead her eyes darken just a touch.

My heart begins to thud against my chest and just as I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack the waiter comes to take our order and the tension is broken.

Scarlet remains silent for the rest of the meal as Chelsea chats excitedly to Winter and Iko and I occasionally attempt conversation.

I can't help but keep my mind focused on that strange exchange between Chelsea and Scarlet and the way Winter and Iko had so casually brushed it aside.

When the bill comes at the end of the meal, Scarlet finally speaks up.

"Remember Chels. Thorne will never be Ricky."

The words seem to trigger something in Chelsea and she stands up angrily, slamming her fist down on the table.

"You have been nothing but rude all afternoon." She spits, pointing an accusatory finger at her sister, "Just _shut up_ Scar and get on with it."

 _Ricky?_

Chelsea looks so _angry_ and I feel my heart thud against my chest. There is a tense moment that seems almost competitive as the two sisters stare each other down. Finally, Chelsea sighs heavily and shakes her head, the angry seemingly having been drained from her.

"I'm sorry girls, I can't deal with this right now. I'll see you tomorrow for dinner at mine." Chelsea gives us an apologetic look before grabbing her purse and rushing out of the restaurant, clearly embarrassed over her outburst.

An awkward silence settles between the four of us as I watch Chelsea's retreating back from the frosted window pane of the restaurant.

Iko clears her throat, "Scarlet what is your problem?" She doesn't sound angry, just tired.

"I'm right Iko and you know I am. You too Winter. She's rushing into this." Scarlet doesn't seem upset, only disappointed. She tugs some of her red hair away from her face.

"Who's Ricky?" I ask, my voice cracking slightly.

The three women look at me almost as though they had forgotten I was even sat here. Scarlet is the first to look away. Then Iko. Finally Winter takes takes a deep breath and shakes her head.

"Ricky was Chelsea's high school sweetheart," She frowns sadly, "He uh..." She trails off uncomfortably until Scarlet sighs heavily.

"He committed suicide the night before her senior prom."

And really it was _that_ that sucked all of the air right out of my chest.

" _What_?"

Scarlet nods her head stiffly, "Chelsea's never really been able to move past it."

"That's not fair," Iko interrupts, "It's been five years since that happened."

"Iko _come on_. I know Chelsea better than anyone." Scarlet shakes her head, "And I know when my sister is lying to herself. She's not over it. Maybe she'll never be over it."

"Does Thorne know about it?" I squeak, my throat dry.

Winter shrugs, "Who knows? Chelsea doesn't really like to talk about Ricky."

I realise then that even though I thought I knew Chelsea, I really don't know much about her life before I met her. And maybe _Ricky_ is the reason for that.

"Chelsea can pretend like it never happened but I won't." Scarlet says stubbornly, "And if that makes her hate me, then so be it."

I didn't know it then, but what happened that afternoon at that table was when everything started to change.

And not always for the best.

...

"I have to tell Thorne."

Cinder frowns at me, "Maybe he already knows."

"If he knew he would have told me."

Cinder doesn't seem impressed by my decision to tell Thorne about Ricky. After our conversation at lunch, Winter and Iko had apologetically rushed off - presumably to find Chelsea and comfort her.

Scarlet on the other hand, had remained aloof, asking me strange questions like how long I'd known Thorne for, and how I felt about him marrying her sister.

In all honesty, she makes me nervous.

Silly, right?

Still, I can't shake the feeling that there's more to Chelsea's story that Scarlet is keeping from me, but how on Earth was I ever going to find out?

"I think you should just let things run their natural course," Cinder shakes her head at me, "I know you want to protect Thorne, and I understand why you feel you might have to tell him. But be honest with yourself, Cress, how much of that sense of protection is actually fuelled by your feelings for him?"

I know what Cinder is saying is right. At the end of the day, whatever happens between Thorne and Chelsea is really none of my business.

"If you want to tell Thorne how you really feel then _go for it_." Cinder gives me a sad smile, "But don't use Chelsea's past against her."

My stomach churns guiltily. Cinder is right, of course.

"I don't know what to do Cin." I tell her, sadness enveloping my chest, "I want Thorne to be happy. I _really_ do. But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."

"I know, Cress." Cinder puts an arm around me and pulls me in for a hug, "There's not much you _can do_ at this point. Save from telling him the truth about your feelings."

I nod sadly.

I open my mouth to say something, and am interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing.

"Who's that?" Cinder's brows furrow.

"No idea." I stand then, curious as to who our mystery guest could be.

"You didn't order pizza did you?" Cinder asks, and I shake my head, grabbing the door handle and swinging the portal open.

A very disheveled Thorne stands in front of me.

"Cress." His lips crease into a smile, "I need your help."

He barges into my apartment, shooting Cinder an obligatory wave, before turning around to me as I'm closing the door behind him.

"What is it, Thorne?" My heart is thudding against my chest the way it always does when Thorne shows up at my apartment, unannounced.

 _Damn it Cress, get it together_.

"I need you to come home with me for the weekend."

The words shock me, " _What_?"

"I need to go home, to explain my engagement to my family. And I need you to come with me," He seems exasperated by my question, "Please?"

"Me? Why me?"

"Because my parents love you."

"Yeah and they love Chelsea too."

He shakes his head and tugs a hand through his hair, "They'll _hate_ the idea of us marrying in a month's time. You know my mom, Cress."

"So what do you want me to do about it?"

Cinder is watching our exchange like a tennis match, head bobbing from Thorne to me and back again.

"I need you to help me break the news."

"Thorne... You should take your _fiancee_."

"Cress. It's fine. She already knows that you're coming with me, and she's fine with it. She needs to stay in New York for the weekend because her sister and friends are staying with her." He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, " _Please_ Cress. I need you to come with me."

I eye Thorne up suspiciously, ignoring the way my heart is literally _singing_ from his request.

"There's something you're not telling me."

A flash of guilt passes through his eyes, " _Fine_. Yes. It's also Ze'ev's thirtieth birthday party this weekend."

My eyes widen then and I shake my head firmly, " _No_ Thorne. No _way_."

Ze'ev is Thorne's other brother - the one he doesn't get on with, and the one who _constantly_ makes him feel like a failure - and Thorne _knows_ that with me around, he won't treat him half as badly.

See, Ze'ev has always had a soft spot for me. And as much as I hate to admit it, I kind of love the fact that he's the only person on probably the _entire planet_ who isn't so easily susceptible to Thorne's charms.

"You are _not_ using me as a buffer."

"Cress." He pouts, "You're not a buffer. _Please_. I just need your help on this. It would mean so much."

I glare at him angrily. Thorne is a _master_ manipulator and I hate how easily I bend to his will. As much as I want to tell him no, I am also well aware of the fact that I would do _anything_ to make him happy.

Including putting myself through an entire weekend away with him whilst he announces to his family that he's marrying another woman.

I sigh heavily, "When are we leaving?"

"Our flight is tomorrow at seven AM. It's a long weekend, so we'll be staying till Monday."

I roll my eyes, " _Fine_. But you owe me one, Thorne."

His eyes light up and his face breaks out into the biggest smile I've seen on his face in _weeks_. He pulls me in for a hug and rains kisses all over my hair and forehead.

My heart clunks around in my chest uncomfortable but I relax into his touch without even trying.

"Oh _thank you, thank you, thank you_. You're the best, Cress."

He pulls away a little, and I'm taken aback by how close we suddenly are.

There is a moment - just a tiny little _fraction_ of time - where it seems like Thorne and I are in love. Where if he leans forward just a little, his lips would touch mine. Where his eyes are blinking into my own so lovingly I almost lose myself in them.

And then Cinder clears her throat.

"Thorne," Her voice is dry, "You need to stop treating Cress like someone you can walk all over." She doesn't look impressed.

Thorne shakes his head as if he's coming out of a daze, and pulls away, keeping one arm wrapped around my shoulder, "Cinder you just don't _get it_. Cress and I have a very special relationship. Isn't that right,, Cress?"

I feel my heart tightening at his words as I realise how different I wish things were.

"You can say that again."

...


	4. THREE

" _Flight ZB102 to Colorado now boarding."_

I look up at Thorne and he smiles tentatively at me.

"You ready?"

I roll my eyes, "As I'll ever be."

I should have _never_ said yes to this. I _know_ I should have said no. Even as I'm standing here, in JFK airport, with my passport in one hand, and my overnight bag in the other, I consider telling Thorne I have to turn back. I _can't_ do this.

But I know all of that wishful thinking is pointless, because just as soon as I've considered that, I'm faced with a thousand reasons why I _have_ to go through with this.

And the number one reason?

I want Thorne to be happy. I'm obviously plagued with some sense of self-loathing, because even when faced with the fact that I'm going to have to stand in front of Thorne's family, and watch him announce his engagement to somebody else, I still don't care that much about my own feelings.

As we pass through passport control and start to board the flight, Thorne throws me an uneasy smile.

"Are you nervous?" I ask him, for lack of a better question.

He shrugs, but I know he's just trying to play it off. I give him a pointed look and the smile slides off his face, replaced by an unusual frown.

"Yes." He shakes his head, "I'm nervous. I don't think my family is going to be all too happy about the arrangements."

Something ugly stirs inside me, "What about you, Thorne? Are you happy with the arrangements?"

Thorne throws me a look - somewhere between disbelief and uncertainty - and buckles himself into his seat. I do the same.

"Yes, of course I am."

I know I'm plucking at straws, but I ask him anyway because _damn it_ , I want him to change his mind about everything.

"Are you sure?"

Something flashes across his blue eyes for a brief moment, and I wonder if maybe there's more uncertainty there than he would like to admit. It's a small victory for me, but it doesn't matter. My stomach flips over messily, anyway, and I find myself wanting to prod him for more answers.

"You're sure you made the right decision, Thorne? About Chelsea? And the wedding being so soon?"

His eyes settle back to neutral and he looks away from me, " _Yes_ Cress. I'm sure."

He sounds a little annoyed with me and for a moment, I regret asking him anything at all.

"Alright. I'm just checking," I tell him, "It's what friends do."

But I can't forget the flash of emotions I caught playing across his face, and I spend the rest of our flight to Colorado thinking about it.

/

I fall asleep about an hour into our flight, and wake up when we're landing.

Thorne, of course, can sleep through _anything_ including landing. I shake him gently at first, and then more roughly when the plan has come to a complete standstill, and people are starting to exit their seats.

His eyes open eventually and he looks dazed. I want to kiss that stupid look off his face, and I have to fight the urge to do so.

"We're here?" He mumbles, as he rubs the sleep from his eyes.

I nod, and watch as he unbuckles his seatbelt sluggishly and stands up to grab our belongings from the overhead compartment. There's a delicious band of skin that's exposed as he reaches upwards, and I try so very hard to look away, but I _can't_. The lady in the seat opposite us smiles at me and waggles her eyebrows suggestively, but _thank god_ doesn't say anything.

How can Thorne still not realise the extent of my feelings for him, when everybody else can see straight through me so easily?

"Here you go Cress." Thorne passes me my bag before slinging his own over his shoulder, and leading the way out of the plane.

"Did you enjoy the flight?" He asks me groggily.

"Slept through most of it."

"Me too."

I smile at him teasingly, "I know."

"Hey," He nudges me with his shoulder, "Don't look at me like that."

"Oh come on Thorne. You know you can sleep through anything."

He laughs at that, "Well not _anything_." I catch the suggestive tone in his voice and cringe.

" _Gross_."

"Oh come on Cress," He slings an arm around my shoulders, "Don't be like that."

"I don't want to think of you that way." _With anybody else_. I add the last part silently, to myself, of course.

Thorne rolls his eyes, "Just because you're not getting any action recently."

" _Hey_ ," I glare at him, "I _get_ action."

He scoffs at that, "Really? Come on Cress, when was the last time you even went on a date?"

The question, of course, is not meant to affect me as deeply as it does. I cough loudly, to try and cover up my discomfort. Thorne hasn't got a clue why I don't _actually_ go on dates. It's not like I haven't had opportunities. It's that the guys that ask me out - well they aren't _him_. Which essentially translates to: _forget about it_.

I clear my throat, "I don't think that's any of your business."

Thorne rolls his eyes and grins, "You're right Cress. The dating life of my best friend is _none_ of my business." He pulls away from me and his smile softens, "I'm not trying to be cruel Cress. I just worry about you sometimes."

The warmth in his eyes pulls at my heartstrings and I feel my stomach curling. I shake my head to try and focus.

"I know, but you don't have to worry Thorne. I'm fine."

I'm surprised at how easily the lie comes across. I've gotten far too good at this.

We reach the exit of the airport, and suddenly Thorne becomes stiff. He looks at me carefully and groans, "Well. Here goes nothing Cress. You ready?"

I mirror my words from earlier, "As I'll ever be."

We walk through the double doors, and waiting outside, by their black Lexus, is Thorne's mother, father and _even_ his brother Kai.

"Thorne!" His mother cries, as she always does, whenever she sees him, "Cress! Oh I didn't know you were coming dear."

She envelops us both in a hug, and as always, I'm struck first by the intensity of her perfume. Lavender and sea salt. The same perfume she's worn since I've known her.

"Catherine," I answer warmly, "So lovely to see you."

She pulls away from us both, and her eyes are tearing up, "It's _always_ a pleasure to see you."

I squeeze her hand and turn to Thorne's father, Michael. He pulls me in for a hug as well, and ruffles my hair, the way he's always done.

"Cress! It's been too long," He eyes me up suspiciously, "Still not a ring on that finger, I see."

My heart turns over in my chest because of recent events, and I shake my head, "Not yet Mikey."

"Well. You know I've always wanted you for one of my boys."

I know he's only joking, but the sentiment is there.

"I know. I'm still holding out on Kai."

I turn to Thorne's brother then, who's brooding over me with a careful expression. His face cracks into a genuine smile when our gazes touch and he hugs me as well.

" _Cress_ ," He laughs, "I can't believe you're _still_ putting up with Thorne's bullshit."

His words mirror Scarlet's from earlier, and I laugh heartily, "Me neither Kai. Me neither."

"Hey. I resent that," Thorne chimes in from behind me, and the two brothers puff their chests out in their usual dance of male dominance.

Eventually, Thorne caves, and he pulls Kai in for a hug.

"Where's Ze'ev?" Thorne asks as he pulls away from Kai.

His mother rolls her eyes, "He's still working on that big project. Always busy, that one. He'll be at there at the party tomorrow night of course. It is his birthday after all."

"Alright." Thorne's eyes land on mine meaningfully. Thorne can't make the announcement until _all_ of his family are present.

So, for at least tonight, he is safe.

As Michael and Catherine help Thorne pile everything into their car, Kai grabs my sleeve and pulls me to one corner.

"So," He asks me carefully, looking to check nobody else is paying attention, "Have you told Thorne you're in love with him yet?"

The sadness that fills my chest in unparallelled. After everything I've been through the last week, Kai's question is what really throws me off balance.

"Kai," I garble uncomfortably, biting back tears, "He's engaged…"

Kai's eyes widen, and I feel guilty for telling him before Thorne had the chance to, but at the same time I don't really care all that much. He seems genuinely shocked by my admission.

"To _Chelsea_?" When I nod he rolls his eyes, "He really is an _idiot_."

I wipe at the tears harshly, "Please don't say anything. He's announcing it this weekend."

"Oh Cress don't be silly. Of course I won't say anything," He pulls me in for a warm hug, and kisses my forehead gently, "Don't worry Cress. You'll be okay."

"You two ready?"

We turn around and I'm surprised to see Thorne watching us both very carefully. Almost as if he's... _Jealous_? I know maybe it's just wishful thinking, and that really he's just curious as to why we're taking so long to get into the car.

But at the same time I can't help thinking that maybe - just _maybe_ \- if he had a little extra help, Thorne would finally realise he loved me back?

Or maybe he would feel the same way he always has, about me. Which is that I'm his _best friend_. And that's it.

 _Shit_.

"Coming," Kai answers, and he grabs my hand squeezing it gently, "Your secret's safe with me."

I shake my head.

For a girl with a lot of secrets, I sure need to get better at keeping them.

/

The Thorne house is as huge as I remember it.

Me and Carswell are staying in his old bedroom, which has now been transferred into a twin en-suite, and I wonder if Kai had anything to do with this arrangement.

"The other guest rooms are already occupied," Catherine tells us casually, as she helps us settle in, "I hope you two don't mind sharing."

"No, not at all mum. Me and Cress are like bread and butter," Thorne throws me a smile and I feel my chest tighten again.

"It's fine, Cathy."

When the two of us are finally alone, I turn to Thorne and raise an eyebrow.

"How are you going to tell them? At Ze'ev's birthday party?"

He nods his head, "Everybody will be there then. It will be easiest." His attitude is a little frosty since my exchange with Kai at the airport and I wonder if just _maybe_ I wasn't imagining his jealousy.

"Remember when this room had dinosaurs all across the walls? And those glow in the dark stars on the ceiling?" I change the subject suddenly, sitting on the edge of his bed and imagining what the room used to look like.

"What about when I went through my emo phase?" Thorne laughs, "I had Blink 182 posters everywhere and a _lot_ of black writing on the walls."

I chuckle, "I always forget about that phase."

"Me too." He looks over at me meaningfully, "You know what Cress? It's crazy that you've been there with me. Through it all. Even the unfortunate hair cut of '06."

I laugh again, louder this time, as I remember the way Thorne had worn a cap for the majority of the first three months after that haircut. It probably wasn't as awful as both remembered, but when you're fifteen, even a haircut can ruin your life.

"You've been there for me too, through it all. Remember when I thought it was a good idea to dye my hair brown and chop it all off?"

Thorne steps towards me, and I'm taken aback when he threads his fingers through the thick blonde hair currently sweeping across my shoulders. He takes some of the ends and twists it through his knuckles. When he looks up at me, his blue eyes practically suck the soul right out of me.

"I always thought you looked beautiful with your hair long."

There's a moment - a long, _extended_ moment - where it's just the two of us. Where Chelsea, and wedding and all this stupid _engagement_ protocol, doesn't exist. Where Thorne is just a guy, and I'm just a girl, and we've been friends for fifteen years.

And maybe _just maybe_ Thorne is as madly in love with me as I am with him.

I suck in a breath sharply, and wonder if he's going to kiss me.

He leans in slightly, and I blink.

"Thank you," I murmur.

His eyes dart down to my lips and just when I think he's finally going to do it, the door swings open. He pulls away from me quickly, but not quickly enough for the maid, Barbara, who's standing in the doorway suddenly looking very awkward.

"I'm sorry." She stammers, "Madam Thorne told me to bring fresh towels."

Thorne tugs a hand through his hair roughly and I think I hear him say _what am I doing_ , before an easy smile - that doesn't quite reach his eyes - takes over his face.

"Don't worry Barb. Just drop them off in the bathroom."

The moment - whatever it was - has passed, and as Barbara does as she's told, Thorne claps his hands together and looks at me carefully.

"Dinner?"

I nod, even though my heart feels like it's going to fall out of my chest at any moment.

"Dinner."

/


	5. FOUR

"So, Cress," Catherine smiles widely at me, from her place opposite me at the dinner table, "Thorne tells me you're still single."

I laugh and feel my cheeks turn bright red. Catherine _loves_ to meddle in other people's lives, and I suppose this was her way of meddling in mine.

"Yes. Still single."

"And why is that?"

I shrug, "I suppose I haven't found the right one yet."

Catherine shakes her head and frowns, "You know, I always hoped you and Thorne would one day realise how perfect you are for each other, and finally get together."

Her words are like spikes through my heart.

"Hey mom, Cress is saving herself for me." Kai interrupts and I throw him an appreciative smile, "After I finish medical school we're going to get married. Right Cress?"

I nod, "Right."

"Don't you _dare_." Thorne rolls his eyes, "That's not even funny as a joke."

"I'd treat her right. Better than you anyway," Kai throws his brother a look, "Seems fifteen years of friendship isn't enough for you to get your head out of your ass and _finally_ realise she's the best you'll ever have."

" _Kai,"_ His mother reprimands, "You can't rush these things. They'll figure it out in due time."

Catherine smiles at me softly and I blush. I know they're only teasing, but it doesn't stop the butterflies from erupting in my stomach.

"You _guys_ ," Thorne looks a little uneasy, "Cress is my best friend. Of course I treat her right."

"We don't mean it like that," Kai presses and I throw him a pointed look, "We mean when are you going to ask her to _marry_ you?"

I clear my throat uncomfortably, not in the mood to hear how Thorne doesn't _see me that way_ , "I think we are both old enough to choose who to date _without_ you guys meddling."

"We aren't meddling." Catherine shakes her head firmly, "We just want the best for you both."

"Mom. You're meddling," Thorne rolls his eyes affectionately, " _Anyway_ you guys know I'm dating Chelsea."

My chest tightens.

"Right of course _. Chelsea."_ Michael bless him, tries to diffuse the sudden awkwardness, "How is she?"

"She's good." Thorne seems unsure with his answer, "She was sad that she couldn't be here this weekend."

Catherine smiles, "I'm sure she was."

"You guys _like_ Chelsea, right?" Thorne watches his family carefully, trying to deduce their thoughts, "Because I really do love her."

The sentiment sends another spike through my heart. I look down at my food and choke back the tears crawling up my throat.

 _Don't let Thorne see you like this_.

But it does nothing to stop the horrible feelings from running over my skin. I cut into the steak on my plate rather harshly and stuff it into my mouth, to try and distract myself.

"Of course we like her Thorne," Michael answers sympathetically, "All we want is for you to be happy."

Catherine and Kai nod their heads in agreement although I catch the flash of annoyance in Kai's gaze.

"We love you Thorne," Catherine adds, "I'm sure we'll grow to love her too. But we barely know her."

Thorne processes the information and takes a long sip from his glass of wine. When he smiles, some of his teeth are stained red, and I giggle uncontrollably at the sight.

He looks over at me and glares playfully, "Do you find me amusing, Cress?"

"As a matter of fact," I answer, feeling a weight lift off my chest suddenly, "I do Thorne. I find you hilarious."

"Well I _never_ ," He feigns offense, "You should see the lovely red wine moustache _you've_ got going on."

I press a hand to my mouth and wipe furiously, and sure enough I can see the red marks on my fingers when I pull them away. I guffaw.

"So I had a _moustache_ all this time, and you didn't think to tell me?"

"You're an adult," Thorne laughs, "Figure it out yourself."

I roll my eyes at him and stick my tongue out at him.

" _Mature_." He grins at my reaction, and his eyes soften a great deal. I watch as that same flash of emotions from the plane earlier today passes over his eyes. But once again, I can't quite place them.

We stare at each other, and for a moment, I forget that everybody else is even _on_ this table.

Then Thorne blinks and shakes his head, pulling the both of us out of whatever strange reverie we've once again been caught in. When I look over at Kai he's giving me a meaningful look, but I just shrug, once again completely unaware of what's going through Thorne's head.

Fifteen years of friendship, and I still can't figure him out.

/

After dinner, Thorne and I retire to the bedroom we're sharing, both of us tired of conversation, for completely different reasons.

"They don't like Chelsea." Thorne says, just as we close the bedroom door, and sit on the edge of my bed, "They're trying, of course. But for whatever dumb reason they've all concocted, they just _don't_ like her."

I know it's killing Thorne to think this way. Family means absolutely everything to him, and the idea that they don't like the girl he's chosen to marry must be driving him insane.

"They'll come around," I assure him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, "Seriously. Remember what your mom said, Thorne. They love you."

Thorne turns his head to look at me, and as always, I'm taken aback by the electricity of his eyes. They're so _blue_ and I have to force myself not to get lost in them.

"What if they don't? What if every family event is always awkward and uncomfortable and things just don't... _Work_?" He tugs a hand through his hair, "I wish they knew her like I do."

I nod, "I know."

I'm hurt, of course. But I'm also sad for Thorne.

Whether I like it or not, he loves Chelsea, and she really _isn't_ a bad girl. What is it that the Thornes don't like about her?

"Hey. Why don't we sneak down to the wine cellar and steal some of your dad's expensive stuff?"

Thorne blinks at me and grins, " _Cress_ we haven't done that since we were in high school."

His words suddenly bring back a memory, and my heart turns in my chest uncomfortably. He doesn't remember, of course, but I do.

 **SEVEN YEARS EARLIER**

 _We were seniors in high school. It was the night before our senior prom, and Thorne was a shoe in for prom king (of course.)_

 _I was still just his dowdy best friend, and he was dating the hottest girl at our two thousand strong school._

 _Abigail Kresner._

 _Abigail detested me, but Thorne would never admit it. Either he genuinely couldn't see it, or he refused to accept it, but everybody who knew us, knew that much about my relationship with Abigail._

 _Thorne was making me help him choose a suit for prom, when he'd decided we should sneak into the wine cellar and steal something expensive._

 _I was head over heels in love with him, even back then, so I said yes because I wanted him to think I was fun, or cool or_ something _other than his best friend Cress._

" _I think I want to be a pilot. Or an astronaut," We'd gone through two bottles by this point, and neither of us had ever really had much to drink. I'd held back and not drunk too much, for fear that I would somehow stupidly blurt out all of my messy feelings for him. But Thorne was slurring his words, and we were sat on the floor of his bedroom, "I don't know. What about you Cress? What do you want to be?"_

 _His words had taken me by surprise. I hadn't given it much thought, really, up until then. I liked computers but unlike Thorne I didn't come from a very successful, or even a very supportive family. My mother acted like I didn't exist most of the time, and I'd never known who my father was._

 _So I'd just resigned myself to - well to following Thorne. To doing whatever he wanted to do._

" _I don't know," I answered honestly, "I was just going to get whatever job I could when I graduated."_

 _Thorne shook his head sluggishly, "Cress. You're smarter than that. You could be a scientist. Or a computer technician. Or a - a …. I don't know. Something." He squinted at me through one eye, "Why are you the only person on the entire god damn planet who doesn't see how special you are?"_

 _It was the first time Thorne had ever given me a compliment of that calibre. Granted, we'd been friends for a long time at this point, but up until that moment, he'd never said anything like that to me._

" _That's not true."_

" _It is," He insisted, "You walk around behind those stupid - those stupid glasses," He hiccuped and reached for my face, pulling the glasses off and setting them to one side, "But you don't need to do that. You're not just Carswell Thorne's best friend you know? You're a lot more than that."_

 _My heart ballooned in my chest and I cleared my throat, "Thorne, you're just drunk."_

" _I am," He blinked slowly, "I'm drunk. But that doesn't mean I'm stupid, Cress. I'm not stupid," He smiled at me goofily, "I'm not as smart as you but I'm not_ stupid _." He reached for my face again, and this time he placed a warm hand on my cheek._

" _I didn't say you were stupid," I answered, swallowing thickly. He nodded and leaned in towards me, his nose brushing against my own._

" _Cress Darnel," He whispered, "You're special, okay? Promise you'll never forget that."_

" _I promise," I breathed, heart shaking, "I won't forget."_

" _Good."_

 _And then, in one breathtaking moment, he'd pressed his lips against my own. It wasn't a long kiss. Or a passionate kiss. Or even a sloppy, drunk kiss._

 _It was a sweet kiss. A promise. A moment. Our moment._

 _He'd pulled away and smiled at me, before turning around and accidentally spilling the rest of his father's very expensive red wine onto his very expensive shag carpet, and the incident was all but forgotten._

 _But I never forgot._

 _And even though when we woke up the next morning, Thorne didn't mention it, and neither did I, I locked it away in the back of my heart._

 _Because that was the moment I truly understood what falling in love felt like._

 _And it was absolutely terrifying._

 _/_

And now here we are again. Sat on the floor of his room once again, with a bottle of his dad's expensive wine, and a devil may care attitude.

This time, I drink more.

This time I relax more.

Because seven years of experience has taught me how to play this game very carefully.

"How do you know when you've found it?" Thorne suddenly asks.

"Found what?"

"That _thing_. That spark. I don't know - the soul mates crap," He shrugs, his eyes a little misty from the alcohol, "How do you know when you've found it?"

His words cause my heart to turn over in my chest, "I don't know."

Thorne rolls his eyes at me and nudges my shoulder teasingly, "Come on Cress. You're the smartest person I know. You must have an answer."

I clear my throat and take a long gulp from the glass of wine clutched between my hands. I sigh heavily, "I guess things just - they fit."

"Fit?"

"Like puzzle pieces," I groan at how cheesy I sound, "It's cliche. But it's got to be true. I don't know why you're asking me Thorne. I haven't found it yet."

He stares at me strangely, like he's trying to figure me out, "Bullshit." Thorne almost spits, "I know you've found it Cress. I know _you_." He points an accusatory finger at me, "Maybe you don't even know it yet. But you've found it."

I try not to laugh at the irony of his words.

"Well what about you? You're engaged aren't you."

Thorne pauses stiffly. He clears his throat, "Cress. I don't - I'm not sure of anything these days." He stares at me strangely again, this time with more intensity, "I think…" He trails off, "I think all those years ago, the night before prom, the last time we did this. I think I kissed you."

The words take me by surprise. I blink rapidly and look away from him for a moment.

When I turn back, his eyes are still on me.

"You did." I answer bravely, ignoring the way my bottom lip trembles, "You kissed me."

He laughs, his voice sounding choked. He's drunk, of course, but there's something else there.

"Why didn't you ever bring it up?"

"Because it was stupid, right?" I answer, trying to sound casual, "You were drunk. And it was just - it was one of those _things_ …"

"It wasn't one of those things." His voice drop, "Cress. I was crazy about you."

My heart feels like it's fallen out of my chest, " _What_?"

"In high school," He laughs, as if he's said something funny, "I was crazy about you. I only went out with all those girls to make you jealous." He cocks his head to one side, "You seriously didn't realise?"

I shake my head then, suddenly lost for words.

I watch as Thorne throws his head back and laughs, "Wow. You really are stupid for someone so smart, Darnel." There's a teasing note to his voice.

"Wh- What happened?" I squeak out. I can't believe it.

Thorne - he _liked_ me?

"I went to college, I came back and - I don't know. You didn't feel the same way about me, right? So I moved on."

I want to scream at him. To ask him why the _hell_ he never told me.

To tell him that of _course_ I felt the same way. That I still _do_.

But it's too late. It's too fucking late.

"Right." I breathe, "I get it."

He pulls my hand into his and shrugs, "Hey. It was for the best. Look at us now. Stronger than ever," He laces our fingers together and brings my knuckles up to his lips, kissing them softly.

My breath catches in my throat, "Yeah."

His eyes close as he kisses each dip of my knuckle. I still haven't breathed when he turns my hand over and kisses the inside of my wrist.

"Thorne."

His eyes open and he looks up at me - his eyes the bluest I've ever seen them.

"Cress."

There it is. The same moment that has passed between us for fifteen years. I watch as his eyes dart towards my lips. He shakes his head.

"What am I doing?" This time I _hear_ him say it.

He drops my hand and stands up quickly, turning away from me.

"I need to get some fresh air." He gives me a sympathetic smile, "I'll see you later, Cress."

He walks out of the room quickly, and suddenly I'm alone.

My heart is racing and I tug a hand through my hair.

What the _hell_ just happened?

/


	6. FIVE

When I wake up on the morning after Thorne's confession I notice one of two things first.

Thorne is gone.

I suppose after he'd gone for 'some air' he'd also decided to sleep somewhere else, as well. I don't blame him.

Secondly, I notice that I am hungover.

 _Great_.

Everything from the night before comes rushing back, and my head begins to pulse. I don't feel the worst I've ever felt after a night of drinking, but my mouth is dry, and my head hurts, and my tummy swirls around uncomfortably.

I roll to one side and sigh heavily, wary of even attempting to get up.

Perhaps I can just stay in bed _all day_ and ignore everybody else.

But of course I know I can't do that.

Then Thorne will know something is up, and everything I've worked so hard to keep together will be at jeopardy. I roll out of bed slowly, pulling my hair up into a messy ponytail and slipping my glasses on.

Today is not a day for contacts.

When my hand reaches for the bathroom handle and I go to open the door, it flies open by itself. And I'm suddenly faced with a _very wet_ and _very topless_ Carswell Thorne.

Oh.

"Thorne!" I shout, for lack of anything better to say, "What are you doing?"

A fluffy white towel is slung low on his hips, and his shock of blonde hair is shaggy and pulled to one side. My heart flips over in my chest, and for a moment I'm afraid I might go into cardiac arrest.

I force my eyes upwards, connecting my gaze with his and pulling my bottom lip between my teeth.

"Cress." His voice is low and rumbly, "I didn't realise you were awake yet."

There is a moment of electrified silence, and I wonder what he would say if I just ran my hands across his chest. Of course, not only would that be weird, but it would also be highly inappropriate.

Still. I hate Thorne for how perfectly sculpted he is.

"I uh - I can't really sleep on a hangover. You know that," I blush brightly, and his blue eyes rake across my face earnestly. He seems to be looking for something.

"Right." His hands are holding onto the towel around his hips, "I'm not feeling too hot either."

I wonder if that implies he can't really remember what happened last night.

But when I search _his_ eyes for an answer, I realise I'd have to be _stupid_ to think that.

"Should we uh…" I trail off, not wanting to say it, but knowing I probably should.

"Talk about last night?" He finishes for me.

I nod and he shrugs, "Probably a good idea. Let me get some real clothes on," He smirks and I hate myself for swooning at the sight, "And then we can talk."

I tilt my head forward and scurry past him, shutting the door of the bathroom quickly, and leaning against the surface.

My heart, of course, is racing a mile a minute, and I wonder just _what on earth_ I'm going to say to him.

After his confession last night, I suddenly feel lighter. Granted, just because he'd cared for me the way I wanted once, doesn't mean he still felt the same way, but a girl can hope.

The bathroom is still steamy from Thorne's shower, and I wipe the mist away from the mirror, looking at myself carefully.

Same big eyes.

Same dimpled smile, and thick, almost scraggly blonde hair.

Same small mouth, and freckles dotted all across my face.

 _Same Cress_.

But not the same Cress anymore. Not really.

Not after what Thorne said last night.

God. Things really _are_ changing.

/

After a _long_ bath, and some self motivation, I finally decide it's time to talk to Thorne about everything.

I throw my pajamas back on, and exit the bathroom, not at all shocked to find him sat on the edge of his bed, reading his old journal.

"Hey." He looks up at me, "I remember that."

He smiles and closes the book, putting it to one side, "I forgot how much I loved that thing," He tugs a hand through his hair, "It got me through high school _and_ college."

I sit on the edge of my own bed, close enough but not quite touching. I want to lean over, of course, and touch his knee, or run a hand through his hair. But I stop myself from doing any of that.

"I forget how introspective you can be sometimes," I comment, and Thorne raises a blonde brow, "You know. You're charismatic Thorne. And a _huge_ entertainer. But you're pretty sensitive too, and sometimes I can forget that."

He shrugs, "That makes two of us."

There's a moment of silence, and Thorne's eyes are glued to the ceiling. I sigh heavily.

"Things aren't weird Thorne," I say quietly, more for him than myself, "What you said last night. It was just - the alcohol."

"No it wasn't." He turns his head towards me sharply, his blue eyes blazing, "Cress. It wasn't the alcohol. I said what I said because it's _true_. I was crazy about you in highschool." My heart starts fluttering like a hummingbird. I open my mouth - to tell him I love him too, maybe, I'm not sure - when he clears his throat, "And I should have told you."

I wince. Because, well, he's right. He _should_ have told me.

But he wasn't the only coward.

"Thorne… I - I had no idea."

"It's like I said yesterday," He laughs, almost humorlessly, "You're smart Cress. But _boy_ are you dumb sometimes."

I nudge his shoulder playfully, and scoot a little bit closer towards him. When he doesn't move, I place a hand on his shoulder, "If you'd said something Thorne - then maybe...Maybe things would be different."

His eyes are boring into my own again. I can feel the electricity running between us.

"Different how?"

My mouth is dry, and I try to wet my lips, "I was - I … I was crazy about you too."

This is it. This is _it_.

Okay, I haven't quite admitted the _entire_ truth. But surely, this should be enough, right?

"Cress." He takes a deep breath, "Maybe things _would_ be different. But I'm glad we've ended up like...This." He sounds unsure even as he says it.

"What do you mean?"

" _Friends_ Cress. I never want to lose you. You really _are_ my best friend, and for the first time in my life I've got a girl I love who loves you, too."

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Have I been misreading _everything_?

"Right… Of course."

Thorne moves away from me slightly, and I feel cold, "It's for the best that things happened the way they did." He smiles at me - but it doesn't quite reach his eyes, "Look how happy we are this way."

I nod furiously, blinking back the tears that are reaching up my throat.

"Of course." I answer, " _So_ happy."

Thorne stands then, walking towards the door, his shoulders stiff and a hand clutching the back of his neck. He turns before he leaves, his blue eyes dark and swirling.

"I'm sorry, Cress. That I didn't give you what you wanted," There is a sense of finality to his voice, "But I think everything worked out the way it should have. Don't you?"

That _question_. What does he want from me?

Really?

I smile sadly, "Yes Thorne. Everything worked out _perfectly_."

/

That evening, after I've spent the _entire_ day avoiding Thorne, Kai finds me tucked away in the library, reading _Jane Eyre_.

"Oh no." He tuts, "Not _this_. Cress I know you only read that book when Thorne has broken your heart again. What did he do this time?"

I shake my head and set the book to one side, "It's not his fault Kai. He's engaged to someone else."

"He can break off that engagement," Kai reminds me, "He doesn't have to go through with it."

"He loves her." I sigh heavily, and wipe at the tears that have settled in my eyes, "And I just have to accept that."

Kai sits down opposite me, and takes my hand in his, "Cress. He _doesn't_ love her. He just thinks he does."

"No, really Kai. I've never seen Thorne like this over a woman," I shrug helplessly, "He loves her. And I've _got_ to move on."

"Alright. But you don't have to look so _depressed_ about it." Kai raises a brow, "Besides. I've got a little surprise for you."

I give him a pointed look, "A surprise?"

The door to the library swings open and I let out a little gasp. Because standing in the doorway looking _every bit_ as expectant as always, is Cinder.

"Cinder," I cry, standing up abruptly and running over to envelop her in a hug, "What are you doing here?"

She pulls away from me slightly, "Kai called me in for backup. I don't suppose I need to beat Thorne up do I?"

I cock my head to one side. Sure, Kai and Cinder know each other pretty well, and though she'd be hard pressed to admit it Cinder definitely has a _huge_ thing for Kai. But I didn't realise they were _this_ close.

I give Cinder a look, "Since when do you and Kai speak on the regular?"

A blush paints her pretty face. I _knew_ it.

"Are you guys _dating_?" I can hardly believe it. For a moment, I forget all about my own tribulations with Thorne and focus on my best friend and Kai, "Since when?"

Kai looks a little embarrassed and he shakes his head, "We're not dating."

Cinder nods in agreement, "Right. Not dating."

I'm not convinced of course, but I decide to drop the topic. After all, flying Cinder over to me is something only Kai would think of, and I'm grateful enough for the time being that I decide to pass on the teasing.

"So we thought," Kai says, coming round to swing an arm over my shoulder, "We would go out tonight. Just the three of us."

"No Thorne." Cinder adds quickly.

I look at them both and frown, "Out. As in _drinking_ out?"

"But of course. Come on, let's paint the town red. We haven't been out drinking in so long."

"I don't know," I turn away from them and sigh, "Maybe drinking myself silly isn't the best idea."

Cinder rolls her eyes, "It's non negotiable. I brought some outfits with me _just in case_. So you don't have to worry about having nothing to wear."

" _Fine_. But no Thorne, right?"

Kai nods, "Absolutely. No Thorne."

/

I put in extra effort in my appearance that evening.

Curl my hair and put some make up on, slipping into one of the many tight black dresses Cinder has brought me. Of course, I don't feel like _myself_. But who cares? It's one night of debauchery, and after the emotional rollercoaster I've been through, I feel like I deserve it.

A couple of hours into the night, and many _many_ glasses of wine later, I'm pressed up against the bar of the club we are at, trying desperately to flirt back with some nameless cute guy, who's just _not Thorne_.

"Hey, Charlotte was it?"

"Cress," I correct him. His eyes are blue but not quite blue enough, "My name is Cress."

"Right _Cress_." He has that smile. You know, the one guys turn on when they think they're about to get _laid_ , "Do you want to come back to mine?"

I look behind nondescript Hot Guy's head, and my eyes catch onto Cinder and Kai flirting _outrageously_ on the dancefloor.

"No." I reply firmly. Thorne or not, I'm not about to just leave with a random guy. That's not me. I give him an apologetic smile, "Sorry."

His thick eyebrows arch, "Wow. Talk about mixed signals." He scoffs and walks away and for a moment, I consider throwing my glass at the back of his head.

 _Mixed signals_?

He spent the entire last hour talking about _his life_ and _his_ interests, and never once even bothered to ask me about myself. Jeez. Was the bar really that low these days?

Just as I'm about to walk over to Cinder and Kai, and announce that I'm taking a cab home, I feel a warm (very familiar) hand grab my elbow.

I turn and _of course_ there is Carswell Thorne.

Looking every bit as devastatingly handsome as always.

"Cress." He cocks his head to one side, "What are you doing here?"

He seems a little drunk himself. His eyes are misty and glazed over, and there's a half drunk pint of beer in his hands.

"I'm out."

He smirks, "I can see that." He turns his head to the group of attractive young guys - guys who I remember very vividly from high school - that are clustered behind him, "I'm out too. With some buddies from high school."

I forget, of course, what a small town this is, even though I grew up here. And how there's really only one club, in said town. And this is it.

I smile tightly, "I'm going to go outside and catch some fresh air."

I push past Thorne quickly, not wanting him to catch me unawares, and walk briskly outside. There's a few people smoking cigarettes and I contemplate asking them for one. Not because I smoke, but because my chest feels like it might explode, and it's the only thing I can think of to distract myself.

Just as I'm about to carry on walking down the street, Thorne, of course, catches up to me.

"Cress. Hey Cress. _Wait_."

I turn and his eyes are almost _wild_.

"What?"

"What is wrong with you?" He asks, "You're in a bad mood."

"Thank you for that, captain obvious." I roll my eyes, "Thorne, I'm not in the mood for this, ok?"

"Not in the mood for _what_ , Cress?"

"For this," I gesture towards him and myself, "For this _stupid_ game that we've been playing for the past fifteen years."

His eyes drop for a moment, and he frowns, "What?"

"Forget it." I step back but he steps towards me. It's a game we've been playing for a long time, only now I realise how dangerous it is.

" _No_. What are you talking about Cress?"

His eyes are so _blue_ and I feel like all the air has been sucked out of me.

I cringe, "Thorne. I'm tired, okay? And drunk. I just want to go home."

There's a moment of tense silence. I feel like I'm holding my breath, before Thorne finally cracks, tugging a hand through his hair.

"Cress," He tugs his bottom lip between his teeth, "I'm getting married in a month. If you - if you have something you want to _say_ to me before then…"

"No." This time _I'm_ the one speaking with finality, "I have nothing to say Thorne. You're my best friend and I'm happy for you," I smile weakly, "Really."

I watch as a reel of emotions pass over his face.

"Okay." He whispers. But he doesn't _look_ okay.

I see nondescript Hot Guy from earlier, walk out of the club, and suddenly I decide I've changed my mind.

"Hey, you!"

He turns to me, recognition lighting his eyes. Thorne looks at him briefly, before throwing me a disbelieving look, "Cress?"

"Sorry." I force a smile, "This is my date tonight." Nondescript Hot Guy walks over to us and I feel something cold grab my waist.

It's his arm.

"Right. Cress," He's a little drunker than earlier, "Let's go back to mine, shall we?"

I force my eyes away from Thorne, who looks completely _shocked_ and stare up into his face. I nod.

"Right. Let's go. Night Carswell."

I don't even bother giving Thorne a proper goodbye, too worried I might give away how I really feel. Instead I allow this _stranger_ to lead me away from Thorne and into a cab.

And when he tries to kiss me, I push him away, asking for the driver to take me home, instead.

He's annoyed of course, but I don't really care.

Because try as I might the _only_ thing I can think of is those bright blue eyes.

Damnit.

I'm a goner.

/


	7. SIX

When I wake up the next morning, I know that everything will be different.

After the conversation Thorne and I had last night, and the fact that he is about to announce his engagement to his entire family, I know we can never go back to the way things were.

My mouth is as dry as a desert, and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Partly because I'm hungover, but mostly because _damn it_ I don't want to see Thorne.

I roll to my side and watch Cinder's sleeping face. After everything that happened, I knew that Cinder and Thorne would swap sleeping quarters. I assume Thorne is sleeping with his brother, Kai, and Cinder _thank god_ is sharing a room with me.

"Cin," I whisper, "Are you awake?"

Her eyes flutter, and she cracks her left eye open. She groans, "Awake. But not human yet." She rolls onto her back and slaps a hand to her forehead.

"I am _so_ hungover." She announces, "How did we used to do this so often in college?"

"We were young."

She groans, a little louder this time, "Am I _really_ getting old at twenty five?"

"Apparently." I laugh at the desperation in her tone, "Anyway. Don't worry about it too much Cin. The Thorne household is fully equipped for hangovers. What do you want for breakfast?"

She turns to face me, " _Urm_ what?"

"Whatever you want, you can have." I answer, "The kitchen will make it for you."

"Wait a second," Cinder raises a brow, "Just _how_ much money does Thorne's family have?"

"A lot." I shrug, "I'm not even sure from _what_. But they're loaded. Always have been."

" _Wow_ ," Cinder whistles, impressed, "Kai's never mentioned it."

"Oh _hasn't_ he?" This time I _do_ turn the teasing tone on. After last night, she would have to take me for an absolute _fool_ if she thought I didn't know about her and Kai, "And just when exactly did the two of you get acquainted?"

Cinder already seems bored with the conversation, "We talk about _you_ Cress. Mainly." She rubs her eyes, "Do we have to do this _right now_?"

I shake my head, "I suppose not. How do scrambled eggs and toast sound?"

"Absolutely delightful."

I stand slowly, grabbing my head sheepishly and using my other hand to balance myself against the wall. The room is suddenly spinning and I immediately regret that _damn_ tequila shot.

"I'm going to go tell the kitchen what we want," I grumble, "And then I'm going to dig myself a ditch, and die in it."

"What was that last part?" Cinder asks, as I open the bedroom door and make my way into the hallway.

"Nothing. I was being dramatic."

The door clicks closed, and I slowly make my way towards the spiraling staircase. Between my hangover, and the grumbling in my stomach, I've all but forgotten the fact that Thorne is lurking somewhere between these walls.

I pull the edges of the bathrobe I opted to throw on, around my waist, snuggling into the warmth. Then, one of the doors lining the hallways flies open, and a very disheveled Carswell Thorne appears in front of me.

Oh _great_.

"Cress." His eyes are bloodshot and he looks, if possible, more hungover than me, "Good morning."

I stop in front of him, craning my neck upwards, and suddenly hating how _tall_ he is.

"Morning." I croak.

"You look lovely," He smirks and my stomach flips uncomfortably. _Damn it_ , "How was last night?"

Something flashes past his eyes but I don't even try to understand it anymore.

I shrug, "It was good. Paying for it now, though."

"That makes two of us." His smirk widens, "What do you say to eating breakfast in the garden?"

"I told Cinder I'd grab her breakfast as well."

"Send it up to her room. She can eat with Kai."

I want to tell him to leave me alone. That he cannot just _pretend_ like nothing's changed. That after so many uncomfortable conversations, and strange looks, I know something is different.

But I _can't_. Because when it comes to Thorne, I'm weak.

"Alright."

He nods, "Good. I've got some exciting news for you."

Great. I'm not sure how much more _exciting news_ I'm prepared to take.

/

When we're sat outside with eggs and toast and even some sliced avocado, Thorne turns to me carefully. His eyes are swirling and he smiles gently.

My heart speeds up.

"Cress." He pauses, "I got you a job."

I stare at him. Out of all the possible things he could have said _that_ wasn't even on my radar.

"What?"

"Well not a job. An interview," His smile widens, thinking perhaps that my reaction is one of excited shock, "With that computing company you're always going on about."

" _JC Limited_?"

He nods furiously, "My dad knows somebody who knows somebody, who knows the CEO. And they've booked you in an interview for next Saturday at 11 AM."

Shocked does not even begin to cover what I feel right now.

I watch as Thorne's smile falters a bit, "I thought you were tired of your old job?"

"You're already calling it my _old job_?" I laugh because _hell_ what else can I do? "Thorne. Why - how… _Why_ did you do this?"

"Cress." He places his plate to one side and grabs one of my hands, forcing me to do the same, "You're always saying how much you dislike working at your job right now. And I want you to be happy. You're the _smartest_ person I know, Cress. And I'm confident you can do this. You just needed a little help, is all."

Once again, Carswell Thorne knocks the wind _right_ out of me.

I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry.

"Thorne…"

"Tell me you'll at least _go_ to the interview. It's in Manhattan."

"I'm not good enough for the job -"

"You have a degree from _Princeton_ , Cress. And you're working at an estate agent," He shakes his head dubiously, "Look I never got to be a pilot, because well because I didn't work hard enough at anything, my entire life. But you work hard at _everything_ you do Cress. And I believe in you. And so does my dad. Don't listen to that voice inside your head that tells you you're not good enough. Don't _believe_ it. Because Cress, you're the smartest most _capable_ person I know."

And then, of course, I start to cry.

Thorne wraps me in his arms and kisses my forehead gently, wiping away the tears with the back of his thumb.

"Hey. What's this?" He shakes his head, "No tears Cress. This is a happy moment."

I nod, "I know. These are happy tears, I promise."

"Good." He pulls away from me a little more, and I stare at him longingly through misted eyes. _This_ is the Thorne I fell in love with.

The Thorne that cares _so much_ about me, that he'd go through any length to help me get something I want.

The Thorne that sits with me in his family's garden, and tells me how utterly incredible he thinks I am.

The Thorne that makes me feel _special_.

And damn it if my heart doesn't break all over again at the look on his face when he smiles at me like that.

 **NINE YEARS EARLIER**

 _I was sixteen years old, and I had never been kissed._

 _Of course, I wasembarrassed. But most of all, I want to know what it's like to have somebody else's lips on my own._

 _More specifically, Thorne's lips._

 _He doesn't know of course, because why would I ever tell Thorne a thing like that?_

 _But tonight, we're at one girl called Amber's party._

 _We were sitting in a circle playing spin the bottle, and I was praying with every last fibre of my being, that the bottle would land in between the Thorne and I._

 _But of course, fate had other plans._

 _When the bottle spun around and stopped between me and another boy called Jake, the world itself froze. I took a deep, plunging breath in because I was just about to experience my very first kiss, and it wasn't going to be with Thorne._

 _Except Jake didn't seem very thrilled by the idea._

" _I am_ not _kissing her." He announced, pulling a face, "She's gross."_

 _Of course with hindsight, not only am I able to make the observation that Jake was not very handsome, but that he was also not very bright_ at all _, however at sixteen a boy rejecting you at a game of spin the bottle was awful._

 _Heart breaking, even._

 _I stood up quickly, pushing my hair out of my face, and feeling my cheeks burn. Sympathetic looks were being thrown my way, and all of a sudden I felt like my chest was about to implode._

" _Hey." Thorne stood as well, and my eyes lifted to watch him scowl, "What the hell is your problem, Jake?"_

 _Jake gave Thorne a look, "Hello? Have you seen her, Carswell? I'm not kissing that."_

" _You're a jerk." He puffed his chest out and walked over towards Jake, who was now also standing up, "Apologise to Cress."_

 _Jake suddenly lost all his bravado. After all, Thorne was the captain of the lacrosse team and even though everybody loved him, he was not to be crossed with._

 _He turned towards me, eyes downcast._

" _Sorry Cress." He shrugged, "I didn't mean it." When he finally looked up, I caught the way his eyebrows dipped into an angry scowl. I didn't want a forced apology._

 _I shook my head and refused to even give him an answer._

 _I was still so embarrassed, and even though I knew Thorne was trying to help, he was just making everything so much worse._

 _I turned away from them both and raced out of the house, not stopping until I was halfway down the block. When I thought I was a safe distance I stopped, and leaned against a tree, allowing myself to finally give in to the tears that had been crawling up my throat._

 _Eventually, warm arms enveloped me._

 _I looked up and Thorne was looking straight back down at me, "Forget him." He shook his head, "He's an idiot, Cress. Believe me, you're not gross."_

" _If I wasn't gross, he would have kissed me," I wailed, not caring that tears were pouring down my cheeks, and that I probably looked like a mess._

 _Thorne's eyes dipped down to my lips for just a nanosecond, before he pressed his mouth against mine._

" _There." He said when he pulled away, "There's your kiss. Definitely not gross. Happy now?"_

 _It was so quick, I almost didn't even realise he'd kissed me._

 _I nodded, breathless, "Thanks, Thorne."_

 _He laughed shaking his head, "Don't thank me Cress. That's just weird."_

 _I smiled and pressed my nose against the crook of his shoulder, afraid I might say something stupid and ruin the moment._

 _That night, Carswell Thorne gave me my very first kiss. And I'd never been the same, since._

/

That same Carswell Thorne, from all those years ago, is looking back at me now.

Except, we are both nine years older, and we're sat in the garden of his family estate, after a heavy night of drinking.

I roll my shoulders back and watch as Thorne's eyes rake over my face again and again.

"You're happy, right?" He asks me, almost desperately.

"Yeah." I nod, and for the first time in awhile I _mean it_ , "I'm happy. Thank you, Carswell."

He blushes, "You're welcome, Cress."

"Remember that night all those years ago when that Jake kid refused to kiss me?"

Thorne seems surprised by my comment, but he nods slowly, "What a dumbass."

"When you kissed me that night, Thorne, it was my first kiss."

He seems taken aback by my words, "Really?"

"Yeah," I shrug, "I know it sounds silly. I was sixteen, and I'd never been kissed. But it's true. Boys didn't tend to like me like that."

"Well that's not true," His eyes are deeper than I ever thought possible, " _I_ liked you like that."

"That's true. You did."

I don't tell him that I wish more than _anything_ that he'd told me the truth about how he felt, so we could have been together.

There is another one of those _moments_ between us, and my heart aches for him once again.

"Well." Thorne clears his throat,breaking the spell, "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Should we go back so you can tell Cinder and Kai?"

"Sure."

I stand, following him as he leads the way back towards the house, and ignoring the way my heart is telling me to just _be honest_ already.

Because when it comes to Thorne it seems I can't get anything right.


End file.
